Dr. Rosenthal and her cowriters regret to inform viewers that this website doesn’t come with ostriches.
Let us explain. We wanted this to be a fabulous website, something worthy of your appreciation and love, and we knew just how to get it. We had plans. We had pictures, boxes, jokes, quizzes, and content. We had our pages SEO optimized. Our title ranked high in the “how to get people’s attention” category. We included a number! We had everything.
As for music, the page would come with a vivid and stagey soundtrack, something guttural, something like Benny Hill and the Baby Ostriches (probably best to watch once, at most).
To enhance visitor interaction, we came up with the Infamous Prize Board. It was sublime. We needed nothing else.
But the Infamous Prize Board wasn’t enough. Our plans were grand but not grand enough. We wanted amazing. We wanted enormous. We wanted our viewers to be frolicking with glee! Here’s what happened:
NOW we had a plan. We had a system. The gods, yes, we’d figured out how to touch the human soul!
We imagined our viewers frolicking with glee; that is the endpoint, isn’t it? That is the measure of success, no? Meanwhile, as the frolicking took place, Benny Hill and his gaggle of ostriches played in the background. Souvenirs from Spain, Russia, Brazil, South Africa, and France rested on the mantle. A doctorate degree in music sat up on the wall. Utter peace.
None of that happened.
The drum lessons drove the neighbors crazy. The ostriches grew and started kicking people. Barcelona castles were all sold out. Everyone on the cruise got food poisoning. And there’s no such thing as genetically-modified floppy tigers.
Plus we had no budget to pay for any of it.
A-las, that’s how it happened: that’s why we have no music, drum lessons, trips to Spain, or cruises around the world. That’s why we come without ostriches.
What’s the next step?
The music problem is easy to solve. Dear visitor, please visit YouTube, search for your favorite song, and listen. Make sure it’s something that makes you want to dance. Or sway a little. Then play it often and enjoy.
As for the percussion, birds, and travel… if you do come across these things, if you do find them in a way that makes your heart sing, then yes we’ll gladly take credit. Especially for baby ostriches. Baby ostriches are cool.
Need more ostrich? Check out these ad videos. No ostriches were harmed in the making of these films, though the author suspects humans weren’t so lucky.